Eye of my Heart

Long ago, in my past life, I taught primary age children, and one of my favourite days of the year was 'Grandparents Day'.  It wasn't a school-wide thing, just something I enjoyed doing with my own class, and the children thoroughly enjoyed having their Granny, or Grandpa, or Nonna in to see what we do all day.(They were allowed to bring a grandparent-for-the-day if theirs lived too far away, so everyone always had a 'special some-one' there just for them.)

I wasn't a grandparent myself then, and for me the best part of the day was watching the total unabashed love gushing from the eyes of each grandparent as they avidly watched their special little person.  These kids could do NOTHING wrong in the grandparents eyes!  Maybe this seems rather naive of me, and it probably is, but I was amazed by the consistency of this over-the-top affection each of them showed.  They wore their crooked pipe cleaner corsages with pride, declared the burnt cookies "Delicious", and patiently listened to the children's hesitant new reading skills, and enthusiastically sang songs.

I couldn't help but contrast this with special days when the parents were invited in for the day.  They generally spent more time watching me than the children.  Anxious parents wondering if I was favouring one child over another, was I strict enough, did I laugh enough, did I know what I was doing, etc. etc. etc.

Now that I am a grandparent, of course the whole thing makes sense.  (I probably could have figured it all out then if I had taken the time ... but life was crazily busy in those days!)  Which brings me to a book I've just finished called "Eye of my Heart", in which '27 writers reveal the hidden pleasures and perils of being a grandmother'.  I borrowed this book from the library as I thought it might be more of the sentimental cliche stuff often written about grand parenting, and didn't want to waste my money on it.  But it isn't at all!  The stories are brutally honest, and startlingly realistic ... they give the 'real experience' of being a grandparent.  They are tales that are heartbreaking, hilarious, touching and transformative.

A common theme is how very difficult it is to love someone - your grandchild - so much, and yet have so little control over how much you see that person, or what their life is like.  One clash with 'the parents' and the child is banished from your life.  Or, 'the parents' move to another town, city, country or continent and your ties to your grandchild dwindle to phone calls, skype calls and yearly visits.  Two stories were particularly heartbreaking, and obviously still raw enough that the writers used pseudonyms.  But, mostly they were about the sensitive line a grandmother has to walk between wanting to help and interfering ... and how so often thorny relationships with their adult children keep them from fully expressing this very particular form of middle-age ardour.

However, underneath all the granny experiences (and, it does seem to be just grannies who feel these things - grandpas appear not to notice!) is the undisputed love underlying all these other emotions.

As I have found in my own experience, when a new baby enters a family, everyone has to accommodate.  I have to remember that I am the grandmother not the mother.  I must hold my tongue when I don't agree with specific child-raising practices.  In return my son and daughter-in-law turn a blind eye when I feed the children an extra piece of cake, or allow them to watch an extra video, or teach them folk songs about drunken sailors!  It's hard work to make this new relationship mutually enjoyable ... but, it is oh so very much worth it!

As Mary Pipher says in the book:
" Being a nonna has given me joy and fresh eyes.  My grandchildren are my antidepressants.  When I am with them, I laugh and I look.  We inhabit moments together.  When we see a hummingbird or pick raspberries, I am as happy as they are.  Our mutual affection has taught me about pure and nearly perfect love."

Oh yes, all the work is so very much worth it!!!