We watch and wait ...

As are most others around the world I am watching with horror the unfolding demonstrations in Burma. Each morning I tentatively listen to the world news on the radio hoping I will not hear of a bloodbath ... I watch and wait.

I cannot imagine the kind of strength and courage it takes to participate in something like this, knowing at any minute the armed soldiers of the ruling dictatorship could open fire on the crowds (as they did in 1988 and again 1994.) I watch the thousands of brave Buddhist monks peacefully walking, mostly barefoot, their robes soaking wet from the rains, openly defying the orders to abandon the protest and return home.

Yet, even braver is the human ring of Burmese people that has grown up around these monks, frantically trying to protect them from any harm - such is the reverence the Buddhist monks are held in by the local people in that part of Asia. I cannot imagine having that kind of courage .... but, then, I also cannot imagine living under such a brutal regime as those people have .

When I was in Thailand last December we spent 2 weeks up in the northern areas, and even stood at the Golden Triangle - where one can gaze upon Burma, Laos and Thailand connected by the flowing river. We met and spoke with refugees who had fled from Burma ... visited an orphanage where children are housed after their Burmese parents have been slaughtered. Later, after returning to our safe homes in Canada, I watched news reports of Canada grudgingly agreeing to accept a few thousand of these Burmese refugees into our huge country. Then, Burma disappeared from the news ... until now.

What is the world doing??? Why is everyone just standing by passively??? How many more senseless mass slaughters will take place around the world before we all wake up and collectively say NO MORE!!!

Meanwhile, the revered Burmese monks march ... and the world passively watches and waits ...

I'm back .... and, I DID IT!!!!!

Here I am, back from the world of Noble Silence ... where I spent up to 10 hours a day sitting on a meditation mat connecting (or trying to!) my mind with my body .... sensing, but not reacting to, all the sensations my body was generating.

Would you believe me when I say it was the most difficult mental work that I have ever done???

Would you also believe me when I say that it was one of the most amazing life-altering experience that I have ever had???

Oh, where to start telling about such a journey as this ... as we were told over and over, every person who undertakes the 10 day Vipassana Meditation course has a totally different experience ... so, anything I mention is only what I experienced myself.

I was very nervous, but also excited, when Ray dropped me off at the Vipassana Centre just south of Barrie on Sept. 12 ... I had read everything I could find on this place and technique ... but, still was anxious about whether I had the mental fortitude to endure 10 days of absolutely no outside stimulation - no books, no writing, no phones, music, pictures, etc. Plus, of course, we were wrapped in our own bubble of silence.

The women's quarters were beautiful and very new (apparently the men's were quite old and left much to be desired - but, I wouldn't know!) I had my own room which was furnished simply with a single bed, small bookcase-type thing, chair, bedside shelf, alarm clock (which I came to feel was my best friend!) and box of Kleenex (which I certainly used to dry my tears of frustration many times!!) It had a beautiful large window over-looking the lovely woods which surrounded us. I shared a bathroom with my next-door neighbour. So far so good, this isn't too bad, I thought.

Women of all ages were arriving and chatting with each other (Noble Silence didn't start until the evening) and there was an air of excitement and giggly anticipation everywhere. I discovered that most of the women had never done this before, but that many had friends who had, and so they were a little more prepared for the 10 days ahead than I was (but they didn't share any knowledge with me - which was just as well, because I would have turned around and immediately run up the highway after Ray's car!!!) There were also what were called 'old students' - those who had already participated in at least one 10 day course and were back for a refresher. One lady I spoke with (who happened to be a stand-up comedian) was there for her 6th course!

I was relieved to find that I wasn't the oldest woman there - one of my fears (such a trivial thing, it seems now) - and we were an interesting mix of cultures. About 25% were of East Indian decent, but there were also women who were originally from Columbia, Poland, Africa, Sri Lanka, Britain and good old Canada - our common element seemed to be a curious and adventuresome nature and a spiritual mind. The majority were in their early 30's, then it seemed to jump to women in their 50's like me ... a really super mix. One brave young woman was 8 months pregnant with her first baby!

We had our first meditation sitting that night at 8pm in the Meditation Hall for one hour. After we had all tucked a multitude of cushions around every possible part of our body which might start to hurt or needed support (I later came to think of these as each person's little 'nest', into which we would lower ourselves, and adjust until everything was where it should be) we closed our eyes and quietened ourselves ready for our first hour of meditation. Our mats were already assigned, and thank you to all gods and goddesses, mine was against the back wall!!! Once everything was quiet our Assistant Teacher clicked a switch on the stereo system beside him, and a booming deep voice filled the hall, and thus started my 10 days of Vipassana meditation.

I quickly learned that the Assistant Teachers which led the course (a male for the men and a woman for us) actually did little more than work the stereo system, check every day on our individual progress, and made themselves available to answer questions we might have on the technique. All the actual teaching came in the form of tapes and a nightly DVD from the amazing guru who teaches Vipassana in India, S.N. Goenka. We all came to love and admire this remarkable man ... you could not help it ... his passion, sincerity, humility, wonderful sense of humour, and devotion to this meditation technique as a tool for peace and harmony in this troubled world was totally contagious. You felt his power and spiritual energy in his voice, face and gestures - even just from a tape and TV screen.

Again and again, he repeated that even though this was taught by Gotama Buddha, this was NOT a technique just for Buddhists, it was totally non-sectarian, no-one was trying to convert anyone, it could be used in harmony with any other religious practice ... it was merely a tool to bring people out of their everyday misery, a practical tool which could be used by anyone who worked to learn it and practiced diligently. Apparently, at all of his 90 Vipassana Centres around the world the exact same tapes and DVD's, timetable, and strict rules were used. All teaching came from Goenkaji , and thus the teaching remained pure.

Now, sitting back at my own computer ... back to the familiarity of my surroundings and comfort of my husband working quietly in his office ... I wonder, was it all a dream? Did I actually get up at 4:15 am every morning, walk quietly through the early morning darkness with the other women, along our woodland path to our little 'nests' waiting for us in the Meditation Hall? Did I really sit there for 2 hours practicing the part of the technique taught that day, before silently walking the path again, through the lightening trees to the dining hall for breakfast? I have never before lived such a life!! But, I must tell you that there was something extremely mystical and powerful about that early morning meditation - something the others later in the light of day could not match.

It was not all sweetness and spirituality, however! Oh, how I struggled!! I was ready to come home on Day 3 ... wanted to pack my bags and just get out of there!! I could not stand the lack of stimulation one more second!! At that point we had spent every moment following our breath through our nostrils, calming our minds ready for the real Vipassana training, feeling the sensations of the breath in the nostrils, and then on Day 3 we were told to now concentrate on feeling the breath on our upper lip .... I thought I would go mad!!! This was NOT calming my mind, it was making me crazy!!! Everyone else seemed to be coping very well ... all sitting perfectly still with eyes closed - not fidgeting and sneaking looks around like I was! I went in tears to talk to our teachers during the noon time break when this was allowed. They reassured me this was totally normal, and that 99% of the others were probably feeling the same. Did that help? ... a bit, at least I knew I wasn't actually going mad!!

So it went on ... sometimes I was in such awe and great joy about the amazing calmness this meditation had brought me, other times I thought it was a lot of hocus-pocus and just wanted to run away!

But, I stayed ... and how happy I am that I did. Somewhere I found the strength to endure this very strict discipline, learn each new part of the technique as it was presented everyday, and enjoyed along with the others the nightly televised discourses from Goenkaji regarding living a happy, compassionate and fruitful life. Amazingly, what all my friends and family thought would be the hardest part for me - not talking for 10 days - was actually the easiest! I came to really enjoy the silence and quiet cocoon that I was wrapped in. However, on Day 10 when we were all allowed to speak ... oh, what a noise we all made!!! Can you imagine 30 women who had remained silently living together for 9 days suddenly being allowed to talk to each other??? It was deafening!! All you could hear was shrieks of laughter as women squealed "You mean, you wanted to go home too???" ... "You actually had your bags packed?" ..."Day 5 was the worse for you too?"... We all found a common bond in our suffering and our overcoming of it .... and the pure, unmatched joy of learning that we had not been the 'only one' ... can you imagine how that feels? Maybe not entirely, for this course is an experience unlike many others.

We were all surprised to discover than not one woman had gone home early (although most of us came close at one time or other!) ... and 24 of the 25 men completed the course.

From 10 am on Day 10 when the Noble Silence was lifted to 8 am on Day 11 when we all parted ways and went to our own homes, the talking and sharing was continuous. Such an interesting group of women, and we all instinctively knew that only these women, these other 29 women with whom we had just shared the last 10 days in this amazing place, would be the only ones who could understand the thoughts, feelings and personal challenges we had just been through. The overcoming of extreme physical pains of limbs and back through so much sitting still, the self-doubts, the thoughts which arose from seemingly nowhere which you had no choice but to deal with, and always in the back of your mind - can I deal with one more day of this?

But, together with this was the joy, absolute joy, which slowly arose in us. The love and harmony we felt for everyone ... the amazing inner peace.

Ray asked me if I would go again .... I smiled at him and replied that that was like him asking me just after I had given birth if I wanted another child!!!!!

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY

I'm in trouble ...

I think I might have more trouble with my meditation retreat next week than I thought! When I checked my "Insight from the Dalai Lama" quotation calendar for today, it says:

"Buddhist texts often speak of four principal obstacles that one must overcome for meditation to be successful. The third is mental laxity, which means that our mind is unable to retain sharpness and clarity."

OK, that means I've failed the third obstacle, that's going to be a toughie for me - I wonder what the other three are? Maybe, I stand a chance with them!!

Wish me luck! Bye ...

A Surprise Dinner Guest ...

Just a few weeks ago, close to 6pm in the evening, our dogs suddenly started to bark like crazy at the glass screen door. We let them out and they tore off into the scattered trees that are between our home and the lake. We followed and heard a terrific rustling in the bush, and just caught a glimpse of this beautiful black bear scaling one of the trees as fast as he could!

How surprised we were! We know there are bears around ... we've seen them occasionally as we have driven the local roads, and noticed their scats as we walked our woods with the dogs. I even saw a mother and two tiny cubs once in the spring as I went out to the road to pick up my mail. They wanted nothing to do with us, and with our dogs always 'patrolling' our property, we had never seen any close to the house. Until now!

He or she stayed up that tree just calmly looking down at the wildly barking dogs, seeming to know it was quite safe where it was. We took a few photographs, then called the dogs inside so the bear could escape. Only a few minutes later, we saw the bear's wide rump disappearing into the woods.

Was it the smell of our barbecue that drew it closer to our home? We've barbecued many summer evenings without attracting such a dinner guest. Was it the very dry summer we've had which resulted in fewer berries this year, that led a hungry bear to bravely come closer than he usually would? Who knows? We haven't seen it since ... but, it created some very animated dinnertime conversations that evening!

Bye for now ...

Connecting my mind and body ...

It's been over a month since I last wrote, yet it feels like yesterday! Is it true that time goes faster as you get older??? Many times I have had thoughts swirling around in my head and felt the need to get them onto this page ... but, time and opportunity have denied me. That's what happens when you live in such a beautiful place as ours - we get a lot of visitors in the summer (and we love it!!)

The brain continues to fascinate me, but more importantly the way our mind influences our body. On Sunday morning I listened to a fascinating documentary on CBC radio about some of the recent research findings into our brain. I had a personal reason for listening, apart from idle curiosity, because I am embarking on a 10 day meditation retreat next week, and was curious to see if the documentary would discuss how meditation has been shown to change our brain.

Yes, they did! I already knew that the Dalai Lama has been very involved in the tests being done on meditating monks to demonstrate the observable physical changes brought about in the brain by meditation. This was mentioned, and more, in the documentary. I wonder if a 10 day course (plus continued daily practice) can help bring about positive changes in my brain - oh, I hope so!!

Vipassana means to see things as they really are, and this ancient form of meditation goes back more than 2,500 years. It was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha, and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills - that is, an art of living. However, this technique is non-sectarian, attracts people from all faiths and is practiced all over the world. Literature from the meditation centre tells me that Vipassana is ... "a way of self-transformation through self-0bservation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body."

OK, I'd like to transform myself, and my mind and body could sure use improved communication!! Vipassana meditation promises to help me develop a healthy mind, mastery over my mind, increased awareness, self-control and peace. But, it looks like I am going to have to work hard for this (nothing worth having comes easy) ... up at 4am ... many, many hours spent in calming and focusing the mind ... no speaking (can I do this???) ... no reading (I'm lost without my books!!) ... and, no writing (not even emails!!!)

But, I so badly want to learn how to control the constant internal chatter of my mind, to know how to restore peace and harmony to my world when things happen which are upsetting, to learn and master this technique which I have heard so much about.

So, I embrace this new experience which awaits me. I'm putting myself completely outside my comfort zone. I feel I am about to undertake an exciting journey ... watch this space for an update after I return!

Until then, bye!