Hi mum,
It's been a while since I last wrote to you. Lots has happened, that's for sure. Today is 5 weeks since you moved to the Nursing Home to live, it certainly has been a difficult time for you. I have left the Home in tears many times, because seeing you so unhappy there makes me wonder if I made the right decision for you.
Making such important life choices for other people is not something I enjoy, nor take lightly. But, since I am all you have, the responsibility rests with me - and I have to tell you, I really HATE it!!! The nurses and care workers can tell me a million times that you belong there and that I have no other choice, but when you cling to me and cry like a baby it tears me to pieces.
However, last Tuesday we had a great visit, didn't we? You were calm when I arrived, seemed glad to see me, and enjoyed being wheeled around the grounds in the sunshine, while you told me some incredible stories that are real only in your mind. Leaving you was easy too, and I drove home with a light heart. Therefore, I was confident bringing Suzanne to see you today. You always had a soft spot for her - was it because you were working at the hospital the day she was born, came rushing to Delivery, and got to hold her when she was just minutes old? You went straight out and bought her the frilliest and most unpractical dress you could find. I still have it.
Your happiness and shout of glee when you saw Suzanne today made all the staff turn and smile. We had a great visit outside in the sunshine, didn't we? Is that why you were so upset and frantic when we came to leave? Your care worker was wonderful at calming you down, but I am sorry our visit upset you so much. You were sitting quietly in the T.V. lounge with some other ladies when we arrived; we watched you for a few minutes through the glass. We totally upset your day. Do you wish we hadn't come? Was it worth the hour of happiness only to become so upset as we left?
I don't know the answers mother. I wish I could help you understand that I'll come again soon.
Dementia is an ugly word.
3 comments:
Pauline, my heart breaks for you and your Mum. I know it is hard on you both. But as hard as it is, you did do the right thing. Stay strong and somewhere in your Mum's heart she will know (on her good days)that you care and did the right thing for her. You are a loving daughter.
Molly Bee said it all Pauline. You forge past the difficult days and memories because she is helpless to forge past her pain and thoughts. Admiring you and your repect and courage to face the unknown each time you round the corner to visit. Wishing you more and more smiles to ease your pain and living loss.
Thanks so much dear friends. I appreciate your words.
Yes, this is an unknown road I'm on (and so is she) - never trod this one before ... kind of making it up as I trudge along. I'm finding it is also an endless learning experience, and I am discovering as much about myself as I am about mum's disease.
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