When were YOU born?

What was your birth order in your family? Were you the oldest, middle, youngest? Or, maybe an only child, or in the middle somewhere of a large family? Wherever your position it has long been a held belief that this position has a marked influence on your personality, type of job you choose, and even the person you choose as a life-partner.

How do I know this? Well, apart from formal medical research (which I'll get to later) I base these assumptions on: 1. my own personal experience growing up, 2. raising three children and 3. spending seven hours a day for twenty-two years in a classroom of young children.

Think of the people you know, and particularly those who were the oldest in their family ... are they a bit bossy, a bit neurotic, rather compulsive in their behaviours? I can say all this because I am "an oldest child" and my husband would say that I fit that description exactly (he is a "youngest" and we all know about them!!) As a Primary teacher I saw the eldest child in the family come to school often trying hard to please, getting over-upset when reprimanded, usually an over-achiever ... and I can't tell you how many times at interview times parents would say to me, "Wait until the second one comes!" And, generally they were correct ... the second child breezed into the classroom brimming with confidence, popular with his classmates, sometimes a little cheeky, and not worrying too much whether his work was right or not!

Of course I am generalizing, and there are lots of exceptions ... but certainly my own younger sister fitted the above description, and early family photos show her confidently smiling at the camera beside my own very self-conscious body language. Usually, she'll be seen casually holding on to one of our parents, while I will be off to one side a little, not touching anyone. One doesn't need a PhD in psychology to figure out how these differences occur again and again in families ... we make all our mistakes on our oldest children! As new parents, we hover and chart and worry and watch. Second child comes along to much more relaxed experienced parents, much busier parents - certainly too busy to hover and chart etc, sometimes even much older parents. Oldest children 'blaze the trail' and new parents over-react to all their normal stages of growing up.

Now, I have written this from an oldest child's point-of-view ... looking down at my happy, relaxed, spoilt younger sister. If she were here today, she'd give a very different point of view. She always maintained that as the oldest I got to do way more than she did, got the new clothes whilst she got the hand-me-downs, got way more attention than she did, and so it went on. When we were older she told me that she always envied me when we were growing up - I got higher grades, married first, was made more fuss of by the grandparents (really???)

But, don't take my word for it ... Alfred Adler was an Austrian Medical doctor and Psychologist who together with Freud and others co-founded the psychoanalytic movement. He later broke from Freud, and became well-known for his work on emphasizing the importance of equality in preventing various forms of psychopathology ...

"Adler often emphasized one's birth order as having an influence on the Style of Life and the strengths and weaknesses in one's psychological make up. Birth Order referred to the placement of siblings within the family. Adler believed that the firstborn child would be loved and nurtured by the family until the arrival of a second child. This second child would cause the first born to suffer feelings of dethronement, no longer being the center of attention. Adler believed that in a three-child family, the oldest child would be the most likely to suffer from neuroticism and substance addiction which he reasoned was a compensation for the feelings of excessive responsibility "the weight of the world on one's shoulders" (e.g. having to look after the younger ones) and the melancholic loss of that once supremely pampered position. As a result, he predicted that this child was the most likely to end up in jail or an asylum. Youngest children would tend to be overindulged, leading to poor social empathy. Consequently, the middle child, who would experience neither dethronement nor overindulgence, was most likely to develop into a successful individual yet also most likely to be a rebel and to feel squeezed-out. Adler himself was the second in a family of six children."

Which leads me to the middle child that I gave birth to. He reads this blog regularly (bless his great big heart, he's my only offspring who does!) and he commented today on my constant use of the expression "son #1" in my blog when referring to his older brother. Now, if you are a parent reading this you will understand that parents cannot do anything right when it comes to NOT showing any favouritism to their offspring!!! Even as good ol' Adler said above - whatever your family position you are doomed to either be a neurotic, a spoilt brat with no social empathy, or a successful rebel.

However, to maintain family peace ... I hearby express to the entire world that when I use the expression "son #1" I only refer to his birth order, NOT to the position he holds in my favour! (Thank goodness son #1 - ooops! - doesn't read this!)

MOVING UPDATE: Today our offer on the beautiful Ottawa bungalow which has captured our hearts was accepted, and Ray and I are ecstatic. But, I just realized that this new home will put us very close to son's # 1 and 2 ... hmmmm, I wonder if it's too late to withdraw the offer ...

Bye until next time