How to be selfish ...

On my desk I have one of those daily calendars which has a little verse or words of inspiration for each day. Mine is called "Insight from the Dalai Lama". I am totally fascinated by this man and his life, and own quite a few of his books. Particularly I admire his efforts to not espouse one particular Religion over another. But, I digress ...

I just ripped off yesterday's page, and for today it says:

"The practice of altruism is the authentic way of conducting human life, and is not limited to the religious."

I must admit I had a vague idea of the meaning of 'altruism' but wanted to be sure and checked it out in my gigantic 'Oxford Dictionary', it said: "altruism - regard for others as a principal of action - unselfishness".

Now, today is Ray's birthday and we are expecting guests for supper, and I really should be doing many other things right now! However, reading this has got me thinking .... if altruism is supposed to be the "authentic way of conducting human life" (according to the Dalai Lama) then our women's discussion group last night was way off topic, or the Dalai Lama is surrounded by way too many men!!

As most women of my generation are only too happy to tell you, we were brought up to think of others first ALWAYS!! We (generally) made good wives and mothers because of this ... but, at what cost to ourselves!! Last night I listened as many of my contemporaries discussed the 'emptiness' many of us now feel as our roles of "mother", "partner", "daughter" and sometimes "wife" have gradually been taken away from us. Most of us have left behind demanding and sometimes fulfilling careers, in which we have given our 'all'. We have spent our entire lives in "the practice of altruism".

Now, our children have their own lives - and hopefully call once in a while, and visit occasionally. Most of our parents have died. Our careers have finished. Some partners have either moved onto greener (read "younger") pastures, or heavenly pastures. As women alone we are now left with many hours to fill, but still with much energy and a lifetime of accumulated skills - so, we dart around all over the place continuing to be 'altruistic' and volunteer whenever and wherever we are needed.

Suddenly, without warning, one day everything comes to a stop. You hear yourself say: "I can't do this anymore!! ... I won't do this anymore! ... WHAT ABOUT ME???"

Such was our group discussion ... woman after woman said, "I thought this would be the best time for me - but, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I don't know what to do - but, I know I DON'T want to continue doing this!!!" This kind of discussion in not unique or profound, but it certainly has it's roots in the fact that we have spent our entire lives being "altruistic" - thinking of others, total "unselfishness". Now, we don't know what we like to do, what WE like to do. We've forgotten how to 'play', how to have 'fun', how to knock that horrible gremlin off our shoulder when he keeps repeating in our ear: "Thinking only of yourself? How SELFISH of you!!" How do we go to sleep at night having spent a glorious day just doing 'nothing of importance', feeling relaxed and happy ... yet trying to ignore that knot of guilty feelings down deep in our stomachs, because one part of us feels we have accomplished 'nothing' that day?

Those were the questions being bantered around our group last night, and yes, we found answers and ideas for new ways to live - but, it takes a lot of work to break a lifetime habit, and feel comfortable with it.

Your Holiness Dalai Lama, I admire you tremendously ... but, you don't need to tell my generation of women to practice altruism - we have majored in it!!

However, hopefully, we have done a better job of helping our daughters to "think of others, but don't EVER forget yourself".

Bye for now!